KristyWes

The Going Gets

Somewhere in Chinatown/Lower East Side

Real talk?  April has been rough.  

I thought it might a sweet-relief, breath-of-fresh-air sort of month (especially after the worry-fest that was March).  And to be fair - nothing particularly terrible or badly out-of-the-ordinary has happened to me.  Really - it's just been more of the same.  And we've talked the same-old, same-old to death, haven't we?  Nothing new there.  (But somehow it still has the power to break my heart on a daily basis.)

April has been the sort of month where I find myself hiding from the simple question, "How are you?"  I don't know how to answer.  Because truthfully, I am fine.  But also, I am really not fine.  Fine and not fine.  Both, at the same time.

Partly, I think I'm recovering, still overwhelmed by what's behind me.  March was no picnic; I scraped and scrambled my way through, aided by the wings of other's prayers.  And partly, I'm just overwhelmed by what's before me - the future: a giant question mark.  Certain things are in my control, but I feel direction-less.  And certain things are out of my control, and that powerless-ness is maddening, frightening.

I was reading a blog today - interesting thoughts on a drastically different topic than this one at hand - and a quote stood out to me (and not just because it was in all caps) (ok, maybe because it was in all caps):

"HOPE HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE CAN SEE A PATH FORWARD."

I sat with that for awhile, and it seemed true.

A little while later I was reading an interview with Anne Lamott, in which she referenced an E.L. Doctorow quote on writing:

"It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

I sat with that for awhile, too, and it also seemed true.  And related.

So here is my wish, my prayer for the rest of rough-going April:  just enough light to see the next step on the path.  I'll let go of the desire to know how the story ends, if You'll shed just a little light on the next plot point.  Show me just the next foothold, just a headlight's beam worth of vision, just the next step forward that ushers in just a little hope.  And we'll take it from there.