Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Going Gets

Somewhere in Chinatown/Lower East Side

Real talk?  April has been rough.  

I thought it might a sweet-relief, breath-of-fresh-air sort of month (especially after the worry-fest that was March).  And to be fair - nothing particularly terrible or badly out-of-the-ordinary has happened to me.  Really - it's just been more of the same.  And we've talked the same-old, same-old to death, haven't we?  Nothing new there.  (But somehow it still has the power to break my heart on a daily basis.)

April has been the sort of month where I find myself hiding from the simple question, "How are you?"  I don't know how to answer.  Because truthfully, I am fine.  But also, I am really not fine.  Fine and not fine.  Both, at the same time.

Partly, I think I'm recovering, still overwhelmed by what's behind me.  March was no picnic; I scraped and scrambled my way through, aided by the wings of other's prayers.  And partly, I'm just overwhelmed by what's before me - the future: a giant question mark.  Certain things are in my control, but I feel direction-less.  And certain things are out of my control, and that powerless-ness is maddening, frightening.

I was reading a blog today - interesting thoughts on a drastically different topic than this one at hand - and a quote stood out to me (and not just because it was in all caps) (ok, maybe because it was in all caps):
I sat with that for awhile, and it seemed true.

A little while later I was reading an interview with Anne Lamott, in which she referenced an E.L. Doctorow quote on writing:
"It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."
I sat with that for awhile, too, and it also seemed true.  And related.

So here is my wish, my prayer for the rest of rough-going April:  just enough light to see the next step on the path.  I'll let go of the desire to know how the story ends, if You'll shed just a little light on the next plot point.  Show me just the next foothold, just a headlight's beam worth of vision, just the next step forward that ushers in just a little hope.  And we'll take it from there.


Rosanne said...

You are never alone....I'll hold the flashlight, we'll hold hands and take baby-steps ahead together .

KristyWes said...

Awwww. :) I so appreciate you! Thanks for the encouragement. (email coming soon!)

Sonja said...

I love that Lamott/Doctorow quote. It's so tempting to try to strain and see ahead, but it's not really for us to know every step of the way. Tough to remember. Here's to May, and the opportunity to relax and try to see only what we need to see.

Coasting Anon said...

"Just enough light to see the next step on the path" -- prayers ascending, my friend.