Often I feel like I’m in a permanent season of waiting, which is to say – limbo, which is to say – unpleasant.
I was feeling that way on Monday; one of those “How long, oh Lord, how long??” kind of days. Drinking deep from an emotional cocktail* of aggravation, impatience, and confusion. Maybe you’re familiar with those kinds of days. Probably you are – because that’s life, isn’t it?. It is a permanent season of waiting – it’s just that the particular thing we’re waiting for changes over time.
Well anyways, I was wallowing in the waiting on Monday. And then I realized my wallowing was in part due to feeling out of control of the situation. Which I am. Some things are out of our control, and in the hands of God. But I also realized that there is something I can control in this season, and that’s how I do the waiting. Am I going to wait well? Or am I going to wait not-so-well?
Lately I’ve been reading the blog of a hip local hairdresser, whose baby girl was born with severe physical and developmental difficulties. Baby girl can’t even leave the hospital because she requires constant medical care. And yet, in the midst of this, the hip hairdresser smiles. She celebrates the little victories in their lives - which are actually not so little, given the circumstances. Her life is far from easy (I can barely imagine, can you?), but she writes at the end of her blog profile, “I’m nailing it!”
I think she is. And I want to, too – I want to nail this waiting period. I want to get it right, and make it beautiful, despite the challenges and occasional suckyness. I want to “win” at waiting, which is not to say I want to keep on waiting, or even that I have to pretend to enjoy the waiting. I don’t. I won’t. But like I said – I want to make this vita bella, to celebrate my little victories (which are not so little, not to me), to enjoy God’s creation, to defy the Naysayer, to figure out how to be fully ME (even during times when I feel like I’m missing something) in this moment, in this waiting room.
I want to take deep breaths and let go of worrying about tomorrow. Because if I let go of tomorrow, I think I could maybe win at today.
You know?
*Emotional cocktail…what? I dunno.
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