Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Gimp Chronicles
Episode 5: T
he Boot, in Perspective

Boot 'n Bottle
Tootsie considered taking to the bottle, but I talked
her out of it with a healthy dose of perspective.

You may have heard me mention (if only in brief passing) about a little stress fracture incident. Perhaps you're thinking, "Gee, Kristy, I sure wish you'd say more about that!" Really? Well, ok! If it's medical melodrama you're lookin' for, then it's medical melodrama I'll deliver...

You see, I used to dabble in hypochondria. During my second year of college, I requested a Merck Manual for Christmas. My mom was not thrilled with this gift choice, but my dad seemingly couldn't say 'no' to his only daughter. And so, on Christmas morning, I found a medical reference manual of my very own, wrapped in pretty paper under the tree.

Wouldn't you know it? Just a few days later, I contracted a staph infection!

My mom, a former nurse, tried to debunk my self-diagnosis but the Merck and I would not be dissuaded. I curled up under a blanket on the couch and took to moaning pitifully. From the other room I heard my mom mutter, "Sam, I told you not to get her that book!"

I won't bore you with a list of the other diseases & afflictions that the Merck subsequently helped me to identify. Needless to say, the list was lengthy and the diagnoses were mainly unsubstantiated by medical professionals and by my mother, who probably got quite tired of repeating the phrase, "You don't have [diabetes/encephalitis/black lung]."

Despite my paranoid convictions otherwise, I have actually always been fairly healthy.* Never had stitches, never broke a bone, never required a hospital stay. My only forays into the E.R. were when I escorted friends and inebriated college roommates there to play out their own medical dramas.

All things considered, this body has held up pretty well for thirty-one years. I'm trying to keep that perspective in mind. Makes it difficult to bemoan my current stress fracture incident too too much, eh?

*There was that short-lived brain tumor scare of '07, but that turned out to be (in the words of my zany neurologist, Dr. S) merely "unresolved internal conflict." Oh, ok. Phew.

[Read the rest of the Gimp Chronicles here.]

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