I'm about to commit to something I don't want to do.
But I read some blogs today - which got me thinking - maybe this is what I need to do right now.
It's Christmas time, and I'm not merry. Rather, I'm hunkered down in the angry elf camp. I'm Elvis' "Blue Christmas" instead of Burl Ives' "Holly Jolly" one. I'm sad. I'm stressed. I'm weary. I'm worried. I'm torn.
And while it's important to acknowledge these feelings, it's also important to be able to look past them. To acknowledge that God is still God - He is still leading me even though I may not feel it. His provision for me is good, even though it's not the picture of good I would have painted for myself.
I don't really want to give assent to that. It's much easier to whine and complain and cry, then to hold out in faith. But I know I need to acknowledge that Christmas is about the gift of my Savior. And to believe, in faith, that this Gift is bigger & better than the other transient gifts I'm aching for.
So that's where I am. Now here's what I want to do - (or rather, don't want to do. Have I mentioned that I don't actually want to do this? :)
First of all, I read on this creative soul's blog a list of "good things" she recognizes in her life. My mind skips right to the negative these days and I know that's a step in the wrong direction. When I do half-heartedly offer up a 'thanks' for a good thing, my mind interrupts with a "Yeah, but..." and reminds me of the bad things. I need to silence those but's. (I don't want to, mind you. But I need to.) So I'm going to commit to identifying some concrete things that are good in my life. Small things, maybe, but I'm going to list them out and thank God for them.
Secondly, I learned about the December Photo Project (thanks, A!), which seemed like it could be a good visual counterpart to my listings & ramblings. Also, those of you who know me know that I need small, easily definable goals in order to succeed at completing any project. And a photo-a-day seems like a small, quantifiable goal to keep me on target, keep me writing. Keep me present, and looking around for those 'good things.'
So here goes, folks. My begrudging attempt at thankfulness and faith and hope. Remembering, in December, that the wait is worth it and the Gift is good. Photo #1 coming at ya soon...