Thursday, June 02, 2011

With Deep Gratitude for Your Depravity

My recent purchase, all up on somebody's grill

Dear The Internet,

I am writing (on you) to express (to you) just how grateful I am for your treasure trove of oddities.  I went searching for the perfect (ugly) present - and had nearly settled for a leopard-print padded toilet seat - when I heard you whisper, "No wait.  We can do better."

And do better we did.  Aided by Google's discerning search functions, you led me to an item so strange, so hideous, and so baffling, that it truly (to borrow a phrase from Stefon) answered the question, "What the #*^%?" Exactly the sort of abomination I was looking for.

As the gift has not yet been gifted, I can't reveal the contents of that white tube pictured above.  But Internet, between you and me, I think we picked a winner.

Thanks for providing a place where weirdos can sell their wares, and thanks for all your unexplored pockets that never fail to surprise even the most jaded.

Yours Truly

PS - if any readers are also in the market for an ugly gift, here are some fantastic items I came across in my own search:

If you've got some $ to drop and the gift's recipient isn't a member of PETA: Punk-rock mounted squirrel head

If you're looking to spend less and need something that's dishwasher-safe:
Green Bay Packers Logo meat-brander

If you're shopping for a music lover with poor circulation:
N'Sync Cotton Tapestry Woven Afghan Throw Blanket

If you're looking to send a romantic message through the gift of jewelry:
Bronze Baby Fist Clutching a Crystal Dagger - Necklace

And for your politico friend who can't quite quit the Virginia Slims:
The Pat & Richard Nixon Ash tray


Sonja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I have only this to say: What. The. #$%&.
The necklace is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.