Monday, December 28, 2009

Towards Completion

Grand Central Market Sculpture
Ceiling Sculpture @ Grand Central Market

In preparing to declare 2009 “complete”, I’ve been thinking over the following questions:

What is there to grieve about 2009?
What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?

The grieving question has been tripping me up. After writing this "Looking Back" post, I spent a bit of time - well, looking back. Reviewing the events of 2009, and beginning to wonder if I wasn't being a bit self-indulgent and hyperbolic. After all - nothing really so terrible happened to me. Not famine, not disease (save one stress-fracture), not unemployment, not natural disaster. Did I really have any right to be so complaining?

I discussed this with my consigliere (who answers to the name of MadDawg) yesterday morning, and she pointed out that while its true no natural disasters or other similar hardships befell me in 2009, nonetheless there was a lot of emotional pain that made it a rather difficult year.

This was confirmed during my traditional end-of-year review of my journal. In endeavoring to come up with a potential theme for 2010, I reviewed what might have been the theme for 2009. The words that appeared most often in my journal entries included "terrified," "hurt," "confused," "frustrated." Not a good year, emotionally speaking.

And so I grieve that for myself. I grieve for the girl who hurt so badly this year. For the tears shed, and the sleep lost, and the unanswered questions. And I give myself permission to say, “Hey, that sucked.”

Consequently, when I look back to discover what I am proud of and want to acknowledge for myself in regard to 2009, my achievements are not physical or tangible things, not specific events I can point to. Rather, what I want to acknowledge are the hard-fought emotional battles - battles to correct thought patterns. Battles to come to a clearer understanding of reality, of my situation, of my self and of my self-worth.

I feel a lot stronger now than I did at the start of the year. I have a tighter grip on truth. I am more secure in the knowledge of just how fearfully and wonderfully made I am.

It was an uphill, hard-fought, struggling kind of a year. I grieve that I hurt, but I celebrate the view I have now from the top of the hill.

No comments: