KristyWes

Confusion

I've been considering grad school for about 2 years now. Almost exactly 2 years. 2 years ago this week, in fact. At some points the process has been fun and exciting, but I'd say mostly it's been real confusing. I haven't been able to decide on a school or program, and after about a year and a half of grappling with indecision, I decided to call the whole thing off. Indecision was giving way to panic and stress, and the toll on my well-being was just too high.

If you're heading in one direction for two years, then the road seemingly ends, you're left kind of standing around with one question running circles through your head: "Well, what now?" If you're like me, you may also throw some expletives in there. I'm talking words like "heck" and "freaking," and maybe even some saltier ones as well. Sailor speak. And I think that's ok. Sometimes the situation warrants it.

So, you go back and review the journey. Did you do something wrong? Did you miss a sign? Make a wrong decision somewhere? I've spent time these last 2 weeks being a little heartsick over a school I ruled out early on in this process. This is a great school in a great town with great people turning out great scholarship. I really admire it. I applied, I got accepted, I visited, I liked it, I...withdrew my application. Something just didn't feel right.

And today I sat, pouring over the school's latest newsletter when I should have been doing other things, and wondering if I made a wrong decision. This school is so great - why wasn't it the one for me? In some aspects it has most everything I was looking for in a school; why am I not there right now? I'm confused, y'all. Real confused. Perplexed. Flummoxed, even.

In these last days of Holy Week, before we get to the rejoicing that is Easter, I often try to focus my mind on the gravity and darkness of the 3 days preceding. I ask myself, "What were the disciples doing at this point? What were they feeling and thinking after witnessing the crucifixion, not yet knowing that resurrection was around the corner?" I think confusion is a fair guess, if not a total understatement. I bet they were thinking, "This wasn't supposed to happen! Our journey with Jesus wasn't supposed to end this way!"

Now, I'm not comparing, apples-to-apples, my grad school situation with the disciples' confusion over the horror of the crucifixion. No way, no how. But still, I was reminded today that confusion isn't an unfamiliar entity in the life of a Christian. We're not promised answers, and we don't always get them. I don't know what happened with my grad school process, and I don't know what's going to happen next for me. Times of confusion are a part of this life. But so, too, is the resurrection.

Looking forward to tomorrow...