KristyWes

And the winner is...

Last night was the 79th annual Academy Awards show. It marked the 29th year in a row that I did not win an Oscar. I did not even have the honor to be nominated.

As I sat at home, wearing my vintage Valentino and cross-stitching away at the Pope, I remained hopeful that the Academy's failure to recognize my work thus far does not necessarily indicate a lack of talent or potential on my part. No, it probably has more to do with the fickle nature of Oscar himself. Just look at Martin Scorcese who, despite decades of unquestionable directorial skill, never took home an Oscar until last night. I look at Marty, and have hope.

(I am willing to admit that the Academy's consistent oversight in nominating me for an award may also be due to the "fact" that I have yet to actually appear in a major motion picture. But that's just conjecture, really.)

But you, my readers, know that I'm not in this business merely to garner glittering trophies. No - more than that - I do it for love of the craft. And I won't allow the Academy's continual snubbing to tarnish that love.

Lest I never get my moment on stage to thank the many people whose support has brought me to where I am today, I would like to take time now to offer up my heart-felt gratitude. First and foremost (and in all sincerity), I thank God, with whom all things are possible. And to my parents, who never pushed me into the family business but allowed me to follow my own dreams into show business.

Thanks also to my dear, dear friends, who encouraged me through thick and thin, aided me in my delusions, practiced sketch comedy with me at parties, helped me hone my improvisational skills in public settings across the country, and who listened to countless revisions of award acceptance speeches while walking down the city streets.

And thank you to all the people who have ever annoyed me - without you jerks I would never have had the opportunity to perfect my signature "eye roll of death," which won me the coveted role of Tiffany in "She's So Annoyed."

Thank you Trish, my Broadway Musical Jazz Dance teacher. Trish: you gave me the courage and chutzpuh I needed to dance my way into the hearts of my fellow Americans, through my role as Ida McKinley in "McKinley: a Musical Revue of a Doomed Presidency."

To the Brady Bunch, whose catchy vocal stylings taught me that "when it's time to change, then it's time to change. Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see?" To Barbra Streisand, who taught me everything I know about comedy. To Will Ferrell, for taking a chance on an unknown kid from the suburbs and giving me a part in his hit movie, "Losing My Marbles." To Al Gore, for doing that voodoo that you do so well.

I also want to thank my dead dog, Grimley Angus MacTavish, who taught me a valuable lesson about giving. I love you, Grimsies. And finally, my most heart-felt thanks to the Polish-American community, for giving me their support, goodwill, and pierogies.

Thank you. All of you.