Multi-Purpose Cleaning Products:
A Consumer Review

 Everyone knows that cleaning products are great for cleaning, but did you also know they are useful for insecticide?

I am writing this entry in the midst of a mild episode of post-traumatic stress disorder: you see, I have just committed murder-by-cleaning-product. The deceased is a cockroach, roughly the size of Milwaukee. Time of death: 8:20pm, EST. Murder scene: my bathtub.

It went down like this: I went into the bathroom and noticed said cockroach, crawling around the edge of the tub. Freaking out ensued (at least on my part; the cockroach remained nonchalant). He was over 3 inches long, including his antennae, which were twitching in a most disgusting manner.

I was reminded of one of my least favorite books, Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, in which the main character wakes up one morning to discover he has become a large cockroach. It was unfortunate that I should think of this book, because it always makes me want to throw up a little. And what I needed at that moment was not to vomit, but to keep a cool head and act decisively.

I backed up and reviewed my options. The creature was far, far too big to be smashed or washed down the drain. Unsure of how to proceed, I started to panic a little. I called my friend Juan for moral support. No answer; I left a tearful message. I called MadDawg. No answer; another tearful message. Still crying, I considered calling my parents, but decided that I needed to go ahead and act on my own on this one.

As the roach seemed pretty slow-moving, I figured I had the advantage on him. I got a piece of cardboard, with the hopes of lifting him on that and then throwing him out the window. However, as soon as I approached with the cardboard, he scuttled away. More tears on my part.

Recalling recent advice from my friend Denise, I grabbed a bottle of Fantastik All Purpose Cleaner, and began to spray the roach. Instead of the desired effect (namely, death), the spray seemed to invigorate the roach. He ran wildly around the bathtub.

I didn't want to do it - but Fantastik's failure left me with little choice. I grabbed a can of Scrubbing Bubbles, and buried the buster under a mound of Fresh Clean Scent antibacterial foam. This completed the dirty deed - the roach had breathed his last. (Just to be safe, I scooped him up on the cardboard, threw him out the window, and made sure the window was locked shut.)

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, I recommend you reach for the Scrubbing Bubbles and forget Fantastik. Now though, one question remains: what cleaning product will scrub my conscience clean from the guilt of murder?!

Brighton Beach Memoir

I made a brief escape from the city yesterday and headed out to Brighton Beach. The beach has always seemed to be a conducive setting for me to have good quiet times with God - be it a beach in Connecticut, Puerto Rico, or yes, even Brooklyn (old Russian men in speedos notwithstanding).

Though I know God is as ever-present with me in the city as He is at the beach, somehow it's just easier to focus my mind and thoughts and heart on Him while sitting on the sand and staring at the horizon. Here is what other people had to say about such things, taken from a favorite song and a favorite book:

Something about the ocean - makes me rise up and praise;

Something about the heavens - makes me stand in awe again;

Something about the sunrise - reminds me of Your faithfulness;

Something about the ocean - and I'm lost in love again.

-"Ocean" by Ten Shekel Shirt

* * *

"Those mornings, the beach was my synagogue and the waves and gulls were audience to my prayers. I stood on the beach and felt wind-blown sprays of ocean on my face, and I prayed. And sometimes the words seemed more appropriate to this beach than to the synagogue

on my street."

-My Name is Asher Lev, by Chaim Potok